Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
