Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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