Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
