I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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