I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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