Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
