i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
how does that bad decision feel?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
