if you like me you must not know who I am
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
