I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
