Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
