I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
