i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
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We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
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YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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