So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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