I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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