then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
high people should be assigned attendants
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
don't judge my taste in strippers
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize