Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
