why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
