9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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