forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
