K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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