are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
