just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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