dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
