The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
