I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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