watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
