My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
