I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Boobs are out for the taking
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
