her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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