So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
two words: eviction party
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
