If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
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Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
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my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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