I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You may now shotgun with the bride
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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