the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
