I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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