Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.