I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
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i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course