nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
