How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning