You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm gonna have a badass scar
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
