I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
