this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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