giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
