worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
