Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
