I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
