sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
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I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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