Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
