I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
