the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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