respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
