I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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