i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
