I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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