i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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