I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
