We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
