girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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