it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
