You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
