Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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