There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
