Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
false alarm. still invincible.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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